Fangirl VS Mary Sue: A Tale of Terror
by Kate Van Helsing
Summary: The Joker, OOC from prolonged Mary Sue exposure, tells his harrowing story of survival.


Disclaimer: Batman and the like belong to DC Comics and whoever else, not me, I am making no money off of this, please don't sue.

AN: Is it just me or is every other Mary Sue either Harvey Dent or Bruce Wayne's long lost cousin or a Rachel Dawes rip-off?

And so, without further ado...

**Fangirl VS Mary Sue**

_A Tale of Terror Involving the Two Most Terrifying Creatures Devised by Fandom_

As you know, or I'll beat it into you, I am the Joker.

I am the other half of Batman, the yang to his yin, and have thusly dedicated my life to givin' him purpose, reason, yadda yadda.

Mainly by puttin' people in mortal danger an' havin' Batsy be Mr. Hero-Boy save them.

All in good fun, no!

Ahem, _any who_, ya wanna know exactly why I'm so damn screwed up? Such horrible language, didn't your mother teach ya if ya can't say anythin' nice, don't say it at all? I'm not screwy! I'm merely so ahead of _you_ insects that ya dunno whatta do with me!

A' right, don't get your panties in a twist; I'm gettin' to it.

You see, a while ago when I was out stealin' a few million from… the Corleones? The Sopranos? One a those Italian mob families, I dunno…

So I was liberatin' a huge stack from Marlon Brando an' pals when outta the blue this chick comes waltzin' up ta me like she knows me.

Dunno if she brainwashed me or somethin' but for whatever reason I didn't jus' blast 'er brains on the floor like I shoulda.

I know, retarded of me, right?

Anyway, wazzerface comes up to my face an' throws 'er arms right around me! I bullshit you not, doc. She then goes off, sayin' how she knows how I'm "misunderstood" or whatever and that she knows all about my "tragic past" an' such an' that we "belong together" an' by this point I'm freakin' 'cause I figure she's gotta have rabies or somethin', right? I didn't even have my shots 'r' nothin'.

So I push 'er off an' she falls to the floor all graceful. Her raven hair flowing behind her like a dark waterfall, cerulean eyes like the sea filling with crystal tears…

Yikes. Don't know what got into me…

Just thinkin' 'bout 'er makes me act weird. Why the hell else do you think I'm acting like this?

So she looks at me all sad an' yells, "Why, Jack? And I thought we had something special! You're a good person inside! Just look! Remember your love for me, Merinina Elississiya Linneanora Dawesovich, even though I'm Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne's illegitimate third cousin and a top attorney!"

I know. I think she was on crack. When I get outta here, I'm roastin' every dealer on a bonfire.

She starts ramblin' 'bout whatever an' I'm beginnin' ta wonder why I ain't shot 'er yet. Then a window breaks an' some _other_ little runt… I said "_RUNT_" ya friggin' moron… so, she comes in an' points at the first one an' starts yellin' 'bout her bein' called Mary Sue or one a those fifties names, ya know and looks about as pissed as poor, dear Harv' did when I was tellin' him 'bout me an' his little bunny.

So, the new girlie pulls out a frickin' _SPORK_ and starts to chase Suzie around the bank.

For some reason defying the laws of logic, the cops an' mob thugs ain't, you know, shown up to protect the cash. Even Batsy ain't shown. An' he always used to come to all my performances too…

So, uh, the new bitch Superbowl-tackles Suzie an' they go down to the floor an' Psycho-chick actually _stabs_ Suzie with the spork an' Suzie explodes into a bunch of pink sparkly dealies.

I bullshit you not.

Psycho gets up, frickin' _military salutes _me, an' goes, "My work here is done, my liege, the Clown Prince of Crime."

This is pretty flatterin' an' all up 'til the point where she lifts up 'er shirt, holds up a purple Sharpie an' says, "But, will you do me a teeny favor and please sign my bra?"

I'm, you know, too freaked ta do anythin' but do what she says an' after I sign her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder she does this high pitched "SQUEE!" shriek that nearly busts my eardrums an' she runs off yellin', "I'll never wash or take this off again!" which is beyond disgusting. Even by my standards.

Ya don't believe me, do ya?

Fine.

Just don't come cryin' ta me when it happens to you, Crane.

Mark my words, it _will_.

And I will sit back and LAUGH.

* * *

Stupid, OOC, but I had fun, dammit. Plus, the OOCness was probably a side effect of prolonged Sue exposure. Who WOULDN'T it make act OOC? I've seen him donate to charity and give up crime under Mary Sue radiation.

BTW, I am the fangirl in this. And yes, I would SO do all that.


End file.
